Memoir : 2020 - 2021
"Life before & during 'Covid-19'"

Jan 1, 2020 – A seafood market, suspected to be the root of a new virus, is shut down

“You guys free tonight?” I asked my friends. We were chatting at an outdoor themed restaurant directly above the mildly polluted currents of the Tapee river. The waters weren’t clear. This saddened me somewhat, as the me at that age had the collective intellect of a single celled organism, which is to say none at all. My father and mother told me the new year would wash away all bad things in the world. I wondered how that could be if the waters below me were murky (, as I believed transparency to be a symbol of purity and, in turn, “good”). Having a rather short attention span, I shifted my focus quite easily.

“Yup, wanna play some RoV?”

“Sure”, I replied in delight.

“Dude, the new champ is so broken!”

“Just ban him bro...”

I was forced to study for the entirety of the time I had available. Though this is an obvious hyperbole, it certainly felt like it. What my parents expected of me wasn’t realistic. I wasn’t one meant to quell dragons, slay the greatest evils, or acquire a worthwhile job. I just wanted to have fun. Luckily for me, this was one of the days they would allow the night to be spent playing games, and I would make well of their “kindness”.

Later that day I arrived back home. It was dark then, and I was afraid of the light’s absence. I find it amusing, since my current self acknowledges luminescence as the bane of my mundane existence. If I could, I’d turn the sky an eternal sickly shade of amethyst, never to be pierced by the sun’s scorching fury ever again. Black and white were concepts well instilled in my mind as a child. Good and evil, light and day. Eventually, I came to know life as something more in between, a hue of grey, not only symbolically, but because of how monotonous it would turn out to be. This was the beginning of my end, the origin of a descent into madness, the death of an era I yearn to relive. It was the start of a storm.

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Jan 11, 2020 – The first death is announced in Wuhan

I opened my house’s front gate. It was slow and looking like it would fall apart the second I dared take my eyes off it. I decided I would inform dad of the matter when he came home. My legs were tired from my walk back.

“Maybe I should’ve gotten a tuk tuk”

The two wooden front doors opened with a familiar creak. I was greeted by my mom calling my name. I wondered why she had returned from work early. Apparently, my parents were both supposed to come home prematurely but my dad went to a party. He had always seemed happier around his friends.

“Good for him.”

“You know he’s like that. I still wish we could’ve all had dinner together,” mom told me.

She was never as cheerful. There was a rift in their relationship, even a younger, more naïve me knew this to be true. Sadly, I couldn’t do much more than pray. No words of mine would alleviate the tension between them. I said goodbye to my mom after having noodles with her and went upstairs. I got on a call with my friends on Discord. We played some games like usual. “Like usual” was a notion I began to loathe. Everyday felt the exact same as the one before. Slowly, the minute details lost meaning. I was always told the meaning of life was in the “little things.” I couldn’t grasp that. I never assumed it could get worse. At least, I hazarded, the sight of rosy sunsets through my room’s translucent curtains would grant me enduring sanity. I was wrong.

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Jan 20, 2020 – 139 new cases of the sickness. WHO confirms cases in Japan, South Korea, and Thailand. NIH announces vaccine development.

A case in Thailand. So much for “just another news article.” I was once again wrong, but at this point it was an innate fact of nature, something I had grown accustomed to.

“Doesn’t matter, it won’t affect me anyways,” I muttered as if a single soul would care what I thought.

You may now think of me as selfish, and you’re probably right. Truly, if I weren’t on the receiving end, I wouldn’t have cared how many people died, suffered, or wept. I just couldn’t care enough; getting through each and every passing day was already becoming too much to bear. In the end, preservation of the self is inherent. That’s how the human psyche is. We seek happiness, and everything in between that may or may not be beneficial. I guess it doesn’t matter. Nothing escapes the looming horizon of death, not even any superficial, co-called “God.” The universe will die and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about it. I find that exceedingly beautiful. No one individual, action or thought is worth a single damn.

“Hey, why the look?”

“Hey”

“What's wrong, you seem sad lately."

“It’s nothing.”

She knew what it was I had on my mind. We were walking to a tutorial school, “Aurum.” Routinely, we would study together until 8pm. The courses there were self-paced, past tapes of lectures taught by some famous teachers such as Sup-K. She was ahead of me in chemistry. She taught me how to continue if I ever was stuck. I returned her favors by occasionally teaching her biology and physics. I enjoyed every second I spent with her.

I glanced at a clock off in the distance; the time on the school’s computers was never accurate. It was eight. We packed our books and left. She was always tired, and so was I, more so of the bleak life I lead though. Afterwards, we’d talk for a while about our days and our foreseeable lives. She always asked me where I’d go for Matthayom 4, what university I was interested in, if I’d still stay in Surat. I never had an answer for her, even if there was one in the back of my mind. It meant our separation. I noticed far too late how much I dreaded her smile as our end drew nearer with each passing day. The only question then was if I could accept it.

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Jan 27, 2021 – Vaccines were being distributed, WHO investigates origins of the now named “Coronavirus disease 2019” in China.
“No, I ain't scared of livin'
'Cause it's all we've got

What are we breathin' for if we ain't livin'?”

It was midnight, I could not sleep. A combination of sleep paralysis and insomnia plagued my system, so spiraling into contemplation I went.

Over the course of a year the world around me evolved drastically. I would have taken great pleasure in saying I did too, but it is not within my capacity to lie. The raging rain outside was suffocating, its roar reverberating throughout my ever-dismal room. I loved it. I was starting to believe that I relished being miserable.

“And if there is no God
I'll know the day I die I lived through heaven
And that I gave it hell
And if it hurt, oh well
At least that's living”

I sang along. I knew the lyrics all too well, barely any effort was needed in recollection. It then occurred to me that I was scared of living.

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Feb 11, 2021 – WHO names the coronavirus Covid-19

I replaced my old iPhone 7s with the phone I’m currently using now, 11 pro max. There wasn’t much of a difference. The single recognizable feature at first glance was its facial recognition, which isn’t saying a lot. However, one thing of note was the arrival of the results to a test I had taken earlier. It was for an international school, KMIDS. I was accepted. What I found most ironic was how I was content for exactly 3 seconds. The entirety of my life’s labor amounted to a mere 3 seconds of joy. I mustered a feeble attempt at a smile. It was entirely futile.

“Just another day, huh?”

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Mar 8, 2021 – 26,441 Infections, 25,777 recovered, 579 receiving treatment, 85 deaths in Thailand.

Graphite against paper, black coalesced into what human eyes would deem a crude effort at a circle. The worn pencil’s coarse wood exterior slowed my progress slightly. A passing grade was all I desired, so I didn’t mind. The person in front of me, my close friend Kla, was wholly asleep. He had his methods and I had mine, so this wasn’t surprising. As to what that means, I shall not say. Some 30 minutes or so went by before the teachers came around and collected our test papers. I woke Kla, and we joined our peers waiting outside. The air felt erratic, as if the collective tension of the students was enough to irritate it. There was an abundance of arguments on whether c was correct for question 23, if Social Studies was literally just History, or if the Math teacher was absolutely insane. I agreed with the last sentiment fully. Our group took a turn left after leaving the school’s faded iron gates. We were met with an extremely shady alley. Some of the guys had been through the path before so safety wasn’t a concern. Once we crossed paths with an absurd number of motorcyclists doing what I assumed to be drugs, I immediately understood their supposed “safety” was exceedingly subjective. My eyes didn’t leave the jagged gravel lining the path. Some parts of town were immensely dangerous, the road ahead of me was exemplary in this regard. Through word of mouth, I had heard of instances where people were killed over one wrong look, a mistake I assured myself I wouldn’t make. The rustling of leaves broke the silence. Finally, succeeding what seemed a millennium and a half, we arrived at our destination with a stunning total of no casualties. An old, rundown wooden sign reading “คีบเส้น” greeted us. The aura radiating within the restaurant was akin to that of any other street noodle vendor. Perhaps, there was a reason why my friends all agreed upon dining here for our last meal together, perhaps there wasn’t. I ordered some beef noodles.

“Hey, they taste pretty nice!”

“Yeah, guys we should eat here again.”

“Definitely!”

My friends had a great time. All I had was a mediocre, sad excuse of overcooked beef noodles. The meat itself felt like it had been exiled to the Sahara for an eon at minimum, whilst the “soup” failed miserably at sating my taste buds. Even in hindsight, I’d say plain water would have done a better job. I subconsciously made a mental note to never dine there again. I paid, we left, and parted ways. To this day, I haven’t seen any of them in person again.

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Apr 17, 2021 – Global tally of deaths from Covid-19 surpasses 3 million

The virus was now at an all-time high. It had been a while since the first case in Thailand, but the more rural areas and outskirts weren’t as heavily impacted as the capital. Nevertheless, many safety measures and protocols were announced in Surat. This made travel exponentially harder than before. My mom, working at a court in another district, could now come back home exclusively on Saturdays and Sundays. April 17, 2021 specifically was a Saturday, which meant I would see her in the evening.

“Push mid! Push mid!”

I was on a call with Kla playing some RoV for old times’ sake. Isolation never got to him; he never ceased to brim with vigor. In the end, I never understood how he managed to live the way he did. I kept in touch with him, it was nice having someone I could talk to, someone who understood me wholly. Unfortunately, we ended our session with a loss.

“Why were those (monitor lizards) so goddamn stupid?!”

“These idiots had their parents leave them when they were born,” he exclaimed with a frightening calmness.

Needless to say, neither me nor him could maintain a level head whilst gaming.

Some time later, I heard a knock on my room door. Mom stood in its place with a strange look on her face. Her expression was of excitement; one I had never seen before. Clinging to her shirt was a half white, half brown bunny. Mom went on a detour and bought her a cage whilst she was driving home, which made sense seeing as it was 3 hours until midnight. We concurred with naming her Hazel. I would later learn to value her company.

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Nov 19, 2021 – FDA and CDC endorse booster vaccines to all adults.

The breeze tasted bittersweet. It was the exact breeze I had become accustomed to ever since the start of the travel restrictions. Off in the distance, I saw blades of grass swaying. Had the blades not been paper thin, I might have assumed the possibility of a sly, slithering snake. Those were common near the house. Instead, it was Hazel paving an earthly avenue. She seemed more gleeful than usual; something I found comforting. We had become accustomed to each other’s presence thoroughly; when she was happy, I was too. I peered back at the winding river before me, studying it keenly. My house, or at least the back of it, was connected to the Tapee. It certainly gave me a moment of reminiscence. The eve of 2021 seemed so far away. I felt I had matured since then, though if it was for the better, I knew not. My outlook underwent variation in accordance. Another gale came my way, and for once, all went quite for a split second. The setting sun on the calm lake’s surface was the perfect shade of blushing vermilion. I felt something I couldn’t quite put a finger on. The scene before me suddenly turned rather melancholic and a shade greyer. I couldn’t help but think. Life seemed simple in that instant, everything held meaning. I was there just to watch. It didn’t get better, and I was fine with that. If my life were to be a narrative, I pondered, the central theme would without a doubt, relate to acceptance. My journey wasn’t at all idyllic, rather, it was a complete and utter mess. I braved it through accepting that it could, at times, be awful. It could also sometimes be not. I preferred the latter.

I got on a call with Kla and some of the old friends I had previously dined with at คีบเส้น. It was apparent that I alone (in some measure, however small,) could dictate the path I walked, the roads I take, the trails I traverse. I would not be scared of living.

“You guys free tonight?”

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